I am a straight female with a high sex drive. When I masturbate, I think about men having sex with other men. It's what arouses me the most. I used to just think about a penis or a man masturbating himself. Then I saw a video of men having sex and now that's about all that gets me off. I've even looked for other videos on-line of man on man sex. Is this at all normal? I'm really scared and upset that something's wrong with me for being turned on by gay male sex.
Could it be possible I have penis envy? I'm always thinking about penises and sometimes wishing I had one. I especially love seeing erect penises and ejaculation, and I often wish I had one myself to play with.
Could this be why I'm so turned on by two males having sex - because there's more than one penis?
Please help, I feel really bad about this.
I'm going to start out with an extended quote about fantasies from Scarleteen's Is Masturbation Ok? (Yep) page because I just want to assure you that what excites us in fantasies are often very different from what interests us in real life. And that's ok.
We all have different emotional and psychological needs, and those can change by the moment. Someone who one day is aroused by the fantasy of a romantic and gentle lover may the next day fantasize about forceful sex, and both of these things are okay as fantasies. They're your fantasies, not your actions, and to think is NOT to do. The same goes with physical needs. While we all may have genitals that are called the same thing and look similar, our levels and areas of sensitivity can vary as much as snowflakes do. So, neither I, nor anyone else, can tell you how to masturbate, because only you can experience what touch feels like in your body.
At Scarleteen, we feel that masturbation is the best way to sexually experiment and learn this for yourself, and in fact is the safest sex there is, that for many often provides some of the best sexual fulfillment. The way to find out how to masturbate is to simply feel your way around your body. There are no places on your body that are "bad" or "wrong" to touch or will damage you, and if something DOES hurt, all you have to do is stop.
Learning to masturbate is in many ways learning to be in the drivers seat of your own sexuality, and to understand that no one is in charge of it but you. It is healthy, sane and safe, and can help you to develop both sexual satisfaction as well as sexual control, all at the same time. It can help to keep you from choosing partners or becoming sexually active for the wrong reasons (in other words, keep you from using people for sex when you should be satisfying yourself), and give you a solid understanding of your own anatomy and sexual response, which is what you need to have to enjoy sex with a partner or by yourself.
As for your particular fantasies you're not the only one at all, at all. Without getting too specific, it's a very popular topic in women's erotica, both for writers and readers.
And as for "penis envy," if you're attracted to men then it makes sense that you'd spend time thinking about their bodies, fantasizing about them, and even thinking about what or how you'd do things if you were them. There's nothing inappropriate about those fantasies and there's nothing to feel bad about. Not at all, at all.