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Anal sex panic, and some good reasons to step the heck back.

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Anonymous asks:

Hi it's me again, I asked you a couple weeks ago about anal seepage after anal sex. Well we DID engaged in full anal foreplay before anal sex, was very patient about it, I relaxed my muscles the whole time, and used TONS of lube. So we tried it again like that and I still had white/clear mucus seepage come out, but it was worse this time there was more blood. AND I looked at my butt hole to see what was wrong and if I push like I'm gonna take a poo it looks like I could poop out my intestines or whatever is in there! I'm VERY scared I dont know whats wrong with me, I always thought there was no harm in anal sex, now I could have harmed myself for life. We did everything right and I'm very terrified so the quickest you could get back on this would be WONDERFUL.

Heather Corinna replies:

Maybelline, I don't mean to sound like your Mom, but I have to say that based on your last post and this one, I'm not so sure engaging in receptive anal sex is the right thing for you to be doing right now. I suggested that to you for a few reasons before, and I'm going to suggest it again now.

While anal sex -- when done safely and with a lot of consideration and communication on the part of both partners -- is not patently unhealthy, it's also something we can safely say is certainly advanced sexual activity. When you're at a point where you're not feeling even that able to ask a partner what they mean when they say a thing, that tells me that the communication y'all have going isn't even basic, let alone at a point where you can be as communicative as you need to be with something like this.

I also don't hear you even saying once that you are ENJOYING this, which is a Very Big Reason not to do something sexual.

I assure you, your intestines cannot be pushed through your anus -- the large intestine is five feet long, for starters, and isn't separate from your rectum: the rectum is the end of it, much in the same way that your mouth is the end of your throat -- and to boot, I'm not even sure how you're getting a very good view of your own anus to begin with: that'd involve some careful positioning with a mirror and some good lights. Even if you have some injury here, I can also promise you have not done yourself any lifelong harm. To boot, if you really did use a ton of lube, that stuff has to go somewhere, so that is likely the clear fluid that you experienced coming from your anus: as with the vagina, so it is with the anus: what goes in must come out to some degree, including lube.

But if there was still blood, then really, your partner was NOT being the kind of gradual that anal sex requires, likely was NOT using enough lubricant, and this just isn't the best thing for you two to be doing.

If you can't even look up the anatomy of your anus and rectum or understand them, this is not the right thing to be doing.

If this is about what your boyfriend wants rather than something that feels really good to you, this is not the right thing to be doing.

I'm also going to guess that you're not yet getting regular sexual healthcare and STI screenings, in which case again this (and other genital sex with a partner) is not the right thing for you to be doing right now: in fact, there's NO reason to be walking around terrified when you can simply talk to your sexual healthcare provider about these things.

And if any sort of sex is leaving you scared and panicked and terrified, then it's not the right thing for you to be doing right now. Okay?

Mind, I can always be mistaken, but having given young adult sexuality advice for so long now, I've got a pretty good spider-sense, and I also have a good eye for certain patterns with people's questions. And from what I can gather, you're moving a little too fast a little too soon and would probably benefit an awful lot by slowing things down, and being sure that you and your boyfriend really are in the right space for any of this stuff (especially if you're doing things only at his suggestion -- don't know if that's the case, but if it is, that's an imbalance that needs to be remedied).

I'd also suggest that you do be sure to check in with a sexual healthcare provider for a basic exam, an STI screening (no matter what, but even more so if this has been unprotected sex) and just have them take a look at your anus to be sure -- given the bleeding -- that you don't have an injury or infection that needs tending to.

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