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13 & 14: sex isn't working, and he's getting angry

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Anonymous asks:

I am 13 and my boyfriend is 14. We have been going out for 9 months, and we have tried to have sex a few times. although, every time we try, either he can't get hard, or it is excrucitangly painful for me. We are both virgins, so neither of us have any experience with this. One time we tried, he was hard, and it didnt hurt me, but his penis just wouldnt go in, is there something wrong?

I would also like to know what the best condom brands are, because the ones he uses are just the free ones my brother got from the bagly dances and gave to my boy frined as a joke. While I am on the topic of condoms, sometimes he ejaculates before he even goes in, he always gets upset and dosent want to try again, but would it be ok to still have sex even with the ejaculate in the condom?

He has also fingered me but gets angry when I don't get wet. Is there any way to make me get wet faster, or easier?

I am sort of glad though, that it hasn't worked, because I can still call myself a virgin. I don't think I would be ready if we really had sex. Right now we are talking a break, and agreed that it kind of makes me uncomfortable so we agreed not to go further than making out, and feeling (clothes on) but I would really like to have this information, for the next time we try.

Heather Corinna replies:

It's not likely anything is wrong with you per intercourse "working," but it is likely that a) you weren't aroused and/or lubricated enough, b) you weren't relaxed enough, c) you two were moving too fast into this, and/or d) you may still have a partial hymen, since you're so young.

Have a look at these for more information:

If we're not relaxed, feeling safe, and feeling good about our choice to have sex, our vaginas tend to stay pretty tight and dry. In order for the vaginal opening and canal to loosen and self-lubricate -- things that need to happen for intercourse to "work," and more importantly, feel at all good for you -- we usually can't be stressed out, feeling pushed or rushed, or be just having intercourse or other kinds of sex that are really only about our partner, physically.

In terms of the condoms, with freebie giveaways, you'll always want to look at the package. Look at the expiration date, for instance: if it's less than six months away, don't use those condoms. Check the package for rips or tears, and do make sure they are real condoms. Some of the most common brands of quality condoms are Durex, Lifesyles or Trojans. But really, if and when it's right to be sexually active, it's best to be getting your own condoms, and you'll also need a bottle of latex-safe lubricant to use with them, both to make everything feel better and to help keep condoms from breaking.

Too, when you're using condoms, once a partner ejaculates, if he and you want to continue genital sex, then he needs to put a new condom on. You can't re-use condoms or keep using a condom with ejaculate in it: doing that makes it more likely the condom will fail.

Here's more on condom use for you: Condom Basics: A User's Manual.

That all said, I have some serious concerns about some of what you've posted.

Your boyfriend is getting angry and upset with you or himself during sex, and that's a BIG red flag that that's really not someone it's a good idea to be having any kind of sex with. He might not be a bad guy, this might be happening because he's got unrealistic expectations about sex, because he just doesn't understand how this all works, and because he's just not ready. But whatever the reasons are that he's behaving this way, until he can approach sex with more patience and maturity, it wouldn't be wise to have sex with him. Being ready for sex with someone else is about more than just having condoms, knowing how to use them, and having a willing partner.

It's also about having a good deal of patience and emotional maturity, being very empathetic and compassionate with your partner, accepting that because partnered sex is about people, it's often awkward or imperfect, being able to take your time with plenty of sexual activities before moving into intercourse, not being in a rush, and being a lot more informed than I suspect either of you are. A partner should NOT be exhibiting anger during sex with someone else, nor should you ever have to worry about making a partner angry during any kind of sex. Ever.

For instance, you can't really control how wet you get. Women self-lubricate when we are sexually aroused, and if you're not, you're not. If someone is cramming a bunch of fingers into your vagina trying to stimulate intercourse and not doing anything else -- especially beforehand, or especially focusing on places like your clitoris, which are far more sensitive than your vagina -- it's no wonder you're not getting wet or feeling aroused. There really aren't a lot of 14-year-old boys out there that have a good understanding of female sexual anatomy, and that vaginal insertion really isn't the big ticket for most when it comes to women's sexuality: heck, there are plenty of guys ten years older than that who still don't have that. The only way he can get that is to read up a bit, and then be asking you what you like, what feels good, and doing what you say does -- not what he has some idea is the "right" thing to be doing. And if you feel him getting angry and frustrated, or suspect he will get angry, you're not likely to be able to be aroused: arousal usually requires feeling relaxed and emotionally safe.

The biggest thing you've said here, though, that strikes me as the most important, is that you don't feel ready and would have regretted intercourse had you had it. That, right there, is all you need to know. Both given your age (like the laws or not, in most areas, it's not even legal for you to be having genital sex yet), the fact that your partner pretty clearly isn't ready to have a real sex partner, and your stating that this is all making you very uncomfortable, I think that stepping way back from genital sex, as you've decided to, is a very smart choice on your part.

So, take the information I gave you so that you have it if and when you do feel ready, by all means. And check out some of the links I've left you above and below. Also know that people's words and studies on adolescent sexuality tend to show us that most folks having sex at your age tend to report it not being a positive for them, and we generally see more positive results with sex when young people take more time to get to intercourse and other kinds of genital sex. So, none of this should be a rush, for either of you, and you should ideally be waiting for sex until you not only don't feel uncomfortable about it, but until you feel 100% good about choosing to be sexually active with a partner who is also clearly ready -- emotionally as well as physically -- okay?

written 11 Oct 2007 . updated 21 Jan 2014

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